If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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