Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
