There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
