His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
