She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
