My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
worst night to have a conscience
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
