Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
