my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
