One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
