she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
