did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize