I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
