Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
