Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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