So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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