Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
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She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
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I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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