mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
