I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
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if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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