im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
