I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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