Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
