People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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