i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
