shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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