I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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