No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
