can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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