booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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