You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
