Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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