I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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