i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
