you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
