Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
