I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
