you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
