I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
