My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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