if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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