My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
