if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just google imaged poop.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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