you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
