maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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