thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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