John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
