Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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