So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
