If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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