I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
