I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
