Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
