If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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