he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
