she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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