So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
